When people ask me what I would do if I stopped dancing, I always ponder for a long time before I respond, and given I’ve been asked this question multiple times you would think I have an answer…but I don’t. I have been dancing since I was two years old and I have never stopped. Would I lose all sense of identity if I stopped? Do I still love dance? How would I know, because I have never known another way of life? All of these questions start to haunt me when I go down this rabbit hole of a life without dance. But after sitting and thinking, I can confidently answer all of these questions.
Would I lose all sense of identity if I stopped dancing? Although this is a completely irrational thought, I definitely used to think this was true. Now, after thinking more, I’ve realized that dance isn’t just my time in the studio or on stage, it lies deeper within me. Dance will always be a part of me: the music and counts pulsing through my body. I view the world through the eyes of a dancer, subconsciously relating small things I observe to aspects of dance. I think this keeps dance alive within me and my identity wouldn’t be lost, but rather it would be shifted. An ideal life for me would incorporate dance into my life whatever I do.
Do I still love dance? I love dance with my whole heart. It has always been a constant in my life. Dance is my escape, a moment to meditate and remove myself from the real world. My old ballet teacher used to say: “Don’t think about your homework or what you’re going to have for dinner, think about your plies.” At that moment, of course, I began to think about what was for dinner, so that saying didn’t work immediately. But I think about this idea quite differently now. My ballet teacher was creating an environment that implied the ballet studio would always be a separate space. She was teaching me to embrace the escape of reality. As I’ve grown older I have used this safe space even more deeply. In the past two years, I have been struggling with anxiety more than before. I can confidently say that ballet is the only place where my anxiety feels relieved. The silky movements of my body and the music that plays so perfectly to complement my movements–that is why I love dance.
How would I know if I would miss dancing, because I have never known another way of life? Well if I think further into this, it's not true. I have known a life without ballet and that was quarantine. Not only was my studio space stripped from me but I also felt out of love with ballet. I was burnt out, I didn’t love what I had always loved. So I stopped trying. Yes, I still went to the Zoom classes and did barre from my kitchen table, but it felt like an obligation, not a passion. So I switched it up and applied to St. Paul’s. The SPS Ballet Company was an angel to my relationship with dance. I have never loved ballet more. I have fallen back in love so deeply that I can’t imagine my life without some form of dance in my life.
So when I think about why I dance, I think about how dance keeps me driven, passionate and grateful. Dance is in my heartbeat and I’m truly so lucky to have had it by my side since the beginning.